Being ‘Me’

This does sound like a clichéd phrase – but well as unoriginal as it might be – its something that I have come to realize I dint know much about it till a short time ago.

Well its not like I was being a devilish – but well – I guess I was just existing- not ‘ being me’

Let me explain – In life we go through many phases – successes , failures and those deep-in-the depths-of-sorrow moments. We rise through them – angrily at first – ‘Why me ??’ , introspectively later – ‘ It-taught-me-something-about-myself’ every episode having an explanation , soon a reason and well even purpose. Learning from it becomes the highlight rather than the snag itself. But sometimes I find me questioning this euphoria of mine- was it really necessary ?? Was I not ‘grown up’ enough to make it turn the other way around?? And then the starting point of this vicious circle –Why me ?

Why me – to drop from one situation into another , why me – unwilling and even incapable of being happy when I so apparently have all I need , Why me – to find myself cribbing and polluting the lives of those close to me ..

That’s when I realized a lot about being me. Being a separate being. My actions, my words and my expressions. Taking myself seriously! The whole world was taking me seriously – except myself.

My words have meaning , my actions have reciprocations , repercussions – which all eventually lead to the ‘Why me’ situations! Lil late to be realizing to such so late !! But better late than never!!

Being here to experience the vast range of circumstances that have been laid out for me , the sorrows push me higher than the happiness ever can , they teach me so much about ‘Being Me’ that being happy would never make me realize. The whole purpose of this existence - to allow me to rise higher or fall – that choice –lies in each thought I think. Each word I say. Each feeling I express.

I feel like I was living dual lives for sometime now – one outside - very confident, ambitious, devil-may-care and another of self doubt , a prickly conscience and a vacuum like existence. Its time to merge the two.

Its difficult – coz what's inside feels fake to express outside having not done so for long and what's outside self-destructs as soon as it gets evaluated for authenticity inside…But the tussle continues…for its through this struggle will the true ‘me’ resurface…