Talking flames..

Today we had a pooja at the crack of dawn..and while the panditji was going on and on with the chanting and the flames, and me and my sis were done cracking our usual pjs about how our parents did the rituals…and how everyone was maroing shortcuts to avoid repeatedly getting up or sitting down..some analogues have been cropping up in my head since morning thanks to the free time in front of the flames.

So I decided to inflict them upon those unsuspecting few who do follow me!! So reading ahead is definitely optional J

Analogy 1 :

Computers think in 1s and 0s right .. everything is calculable and finite. But if u actually ponder more..even our lives begin and end within these 2 numbers. Of course -everything is not finite , with decimals and grey shades in between but still life does begin at zero and finally everybody does reach 1 . It’s the segment in between.. the decisions we make to talk / ignore , the steps we chose to place our feet upon – those fractions we land on that decide how much time we take to reach ‘1’. We all do reach, with our plus signs and minuses..Its just how convoluted a path we take to get there. How many of those blocks which we thought would get us higher actually sink- and leave us below where we started. How many times we forgive ourselves and gather the will to continue the trek…

Life has this amazing quality – it blurs out hurtful things when it knows you cant bear it anymore..and when you think you have completely forgotten about it-it gets it back – in front of your face literally -only to remind you why you turned out the way you did – ofcourse-you feel like someone socked you in your guts – but it still feels liberating when you put one more piece of the puzzle in the right place..

Im not going to write analogy 2 – its too much –‘old wine in a new bottle-ey’…. J

Being ‘Me’

This does sound like a clichéd phrase – but well as unoriginal as it might be – its something that I have come to realize I dint know much about it till a short time ago.

Well its not like I was being a devilish – but well – I guess I was just existing- not ‘ being me’

Let me explain – In life we go through many phases – successes , failures and those deep-in-the depths-of-sorrow moments. We rise through them – angrily at first – ‘Why me ??’ , introspectively later – ‘ It-taught-me-something-about-myself’ every episode having an explanation , soon a reason and well even purpose. Learning from it becomes the highlight rather than the snag itself. But sometimes I find me questioning this euphoria of mine- was it really necessary ?? Was I not ‘grown up’ enough to make it turn the other way around?? And then the starting point of this vicious circle –Why me ?

Why me – to drop from one situation into another , why me – unwilling and even incapable of being happy when I so apparently have all I need , Why me – to find myself cribbing and polluting the lives of those close to me ..

That’s when I realized a lot about being me. Being a separate being. My actions, my words and my expressions. Taking myself seriously! The whole world was taking me seriously – except myself.

My words have meaning , my actions have reciprocations , repercussions – which all eventually lead to the ‘Why me’ situations! Lil late to be realizing to such so late !! But better late than never!!

Being here to experience the vast range of circumstances that have been laid out for me , the sorrows push me higher than the happiness ever can , they teach me so much about ‘Being Me’ that being happy would never make me realize. The whole purpose of this existence - to allow me to rise higher or fall – that choice –lies in each thought I think. Each word I say. Each feeling I express.

I feel like I was living dual lives for sometime now – one outside - very confident, ambitious, devil-may-care and another of self doubt , a prickly conscience and a vacuum like existence. Its time to merge the two.

Its difficult – coz what's inside feels fake to express outside having not done so for long and what's outside self-destructs as soon as it gets evaluated for authenticity inside…But the tussle continues…for its through this struggle will the true ‘me’ resurface…